Here we go. This year I planned to keep these things extra short w/ no "frills" but that's no fun. I'm out of control. BRING IT!
10/1
Trick or Treat (1986)
All trick no treat. SO much potential but this movie about a high school kid getting picked on plays like an ABC Family Channel Hallowtweenie special. The kid accidentally resurrects his favorite front man from the dead and the ghost/zombie rocker is hell-bent on causing mayhem. This movie is screaming for a proper remake with all the goodies!
C-
This film contains:
Thrashin’ 80’s metal: \m/ YES!
Ruthless bullies: check
Resurrected rock God ready to cause destruction: Oh yeah!
Sex & boobs: Lil’ bit
Blood, death and dismemberment: NO. ZERO, ZILCH, ZIPPO…..HUH?!?!?!
10/1
Horror Hospital (1973)
This is one of those bad but good 70’s flicks that would be a most excellent feature at a crowded midnight showing. We’re treated to a couple of crazy kills right off the bat and then a bit of a lull until we get to the actual hospital. After that we’re hit with all those 70’s horror clichés like camera zooms, wacky unfitting music, sloppy super red gore and ending that leaves you questioning the writer’s sanity and your own. If you like old school trash this is kinda fun!
B-
This film contains:
Decapitations Spy Hunter Style: Worth every quarter
British Boobs: Soapy
Diarrhea stains on main character’s pants: WTF?! (the F stands for fudge) uhhh wardrobe, hello!
A midget: duh
10/2
Drive in Massacre (1977)
Some maniac is slicing and dicing sex crazed movie goers at the Drive in and two goofy cops are on the manhunt with the same success rate as most drive ins had since the 80’s video boom. Another trashy 70’s gem that’s only good if you’re into low budgets, bad dialogue and actors that look like your neighbor Ted. I liked it, in a weird way.
C+
This film contains:
Decapitations: Hattori Hanzo would be proud
Red Herring: A school of ‘em
Short running time:74 minutes
10/3
Microwave Massacre (1983)
Donald is unhappily married and hungry. All the poor guy wants is a “man’s” meal but all his annoying wife cooks up are these fancy schmancy dinners in their new Major Electric X1-74A microwave. The relationship doesn’t end well for these two and Don develops an insatiable taste for the other white meat. Totally trashy yet cute.
C+
This film contains:
Big Ass Microwave
Boom Mic
Bodacious Boobs
Bad Recipe
10/4
Zombie Island Massacre (1984)
I had no idea Troma was responsible for this movie until the opening credits so obviously I expected the utmost quality. Man was I right! This stinker was horribly bad but oh so good. Perfect for a MST3K/Rifftrax ripping. I was laughing so loud almost woke the wife. It’s basically Romero’s NOTLD masterpiece but takes place in the Caribbean. But there’s no zombies. And it’s nothing like it. C+
This film contains:
Strong lead Black Male
Dumb white people
Zombies (???)
Booty traps
Boobs: BIG'UNS
Twist
10/5
NJ ZOMBIE WALK No movie
10/6
Zombie High (1987)
Virginia Madsen goes to an exclusive prep school where the students just ain’t acting right and her friends are starting to fit right in. Not the “walker” zombies I was expecting but an ok watch nonetheless. 80’s cheese. C+
This film contains:
horse neighing after the 4 minute mark (no horse in movie)
Shoulder pads
CHIMES!
Exciting car chase with a Ford Merkur (remember those?!)
10/7
Monstroid aka Monster (1980)
Columbia’s version of Godzilla and God was this bad. US cement factory poisons lake and kills fish. Columbians mad. People are dead. Humongous (20ft?) monster shows up. Boom goes the dynamite. D+
This film does
NOT contain:
Sofia Vergara
Anything to keep you awake
Action
A budget
10/8
NO MOVIE
The Devil Doll (1936)
Stingy Mr.Potter cross dressing and chewing the scenery for over an hour! Cool sfx for 1936. B-
Freaks (1932)
No arms? No legs? No height? No problem. REVENGE! Always gooble gobbly good. A
The Body Shop aka Doctor Gore (1973)
When hi tech medical procedures are performed using aluminum foil and duct tape you know it’s gonna be a treat. The crazy hunchback assistant (Zach Galifinakis?) stole the show. Fine 70’s women too. Good trash. B
Eden Lake (2008)
FASSBENDER! This revenge tale runs into a few of those “what are the chances?” situations but the performances and direction made this very enjoyable. It also helped that I hate 99.8% of young teens. Glad I finally checked this out. B+
Hell of the Living Dead (1980)
Basically just a ripoff of Fulci’s Zombi and Dawn of the Dead with bad dubbing and gibroni version of Fabio Frizzi’s fantastic score. It does have an eyeball gag at the end though (bonus point awarded). C
Prey (2010)
So the French super cutie from The Artist is in this? Yay! Excitement ensues. She’s in it for maybe ten minutes. *sad trombone* Man vs. Nature vs. Man. These pigs are like great white sharks on land! Dafuq? Not bad, not great. C
Three on a Meathook (1973)
Started off nicely in 5th gear with some bedroom action, skinny dipping, broken down car and then death. Unfortunately it spiraled out of control into a boring psycho character study and lost all its gas. This is the Yugo of low budget 70’s horror. D+
Visiting Hours (1982)
Thanks to Brian Conrad for bumping this up my NF queue. Michael Ironside plays one of the baddest slashers of all time. Yeah I said it. Dude is just so smooth! At 3AM this had me on the edge of my seat. The exceptionally tight hospital security provided comic relief. Solid B
The Collection (2012)
Gnarliest club scene since Blade? Hell yeah! I Didn’t expect this to be as good as The Collector and it wasn’t. Not too bad though. Collector got the booty traps that make Jigsaw jealous. C+
The Last House on the Left (2009)
I had no idea what to expect here but see it getting props frequently around these here parts. Darned near perfect it was. The rape scene was a little long for my taste. I usually enjoy them more when it’s under 5 minutes (*gasp*). Perfectly cast, pacing was on point and the makeup/efx had me believing. I was actually shouting at the TV and rooting for the family. This was much better than the original but not a hard feat to accomplish against a pure exploitation flick. Grade A beef.
The Baby (1973)
Something about a grown ass man playing a toddler made me cringe the entire movie. Musta been a good thing because I quite enjoyed this. Loved the bat **** crazy mama and her creepy hot daughters too. The ending was something special: easily the most fun WTF moment this month. B
The Pact (2012)
Started this at 2AM. It creeped me out. But what did I watch? Is there a cohesive story here? Why do I care? Can someone ‘splain this one to me? C+? B-?