WORST MOVIE EVER! aaaand racist too. Best way to kill brain cells short of huffing. It actually took the combined and concerted efforts of THREE people to write this movie. There were so many Michael Bay power spinny shots it made me dizzy. And holy **** WOULD YOU FREAKING KISS ALREADY! Oh recap of plot: so the main kid goes to college, his mom eats some pot brownies, all kinds of misogynist jokes abound, the hot girl in the dorms is all over him but he has a nervous breakdown and starts seeing alien signs and it turns out she is a robot and tries to put metal tentacles down his esophagus, bad robots come back from the bottom of the ocean AND outer space, the good truck robot gets killed in a forest. Meanwhile, John Turturro returns in this movie for some reason (must have mortgage payments or something) as a butcher with yet another very racist irrelevant black character without any teeth, and has a secret library in his butcher shop that cracks the code or doesn't but they have pictures of an old plane that the small robot that Megan Fox has now turned into a chihahua and keeps in a box tells them is in the smithsonian. So they go to the smithsonian and bring the plane back to life who has been dormant for hundreds of years even though it's like a blackhawk plane hence isn't hundreds of years old and planes aren't that old anyway, and the guy is a bad guy and he's british, but he suddenly decides to switch sides and join the primes who by the way are the good guys which I guess is important? At some point in this story the kids parents are in france. Then they teleport from the smithsonian with the british old plane thing who is now a good guy into the egyptian desert and he tells them this long story about a big machine that will blow up the sun and some special key thing that is hidden on earth somewhere that they have to find. Randomly they have a car chase with police that lasts like 30 seconds and then the police go away, and megan fox is in a burka and the police have gone. Oh wait no the police are back so they leave. Then they have to go through a border checkpoint where we have an offensive midget character who appears to be pakistani or something who lets them through the border checkpoint because Turturro tells him they're from New York which is I guess the secret password? So after this, they're at the Pyramids of egypt which apparently now have some big pit mine right next to them, where turturro and the two racist black sidekick robots with gold teeth go and fight some big vortex thing. Oh and yeah by the way dude's latino roommate is also there and has been on this whole journey with them for no conceivable reason except to illustrate that we should be afraid. And to get tasered. Previously he had tasered himself in the museum and was concerned about his testicles. Again, testicle humor continues as they fight the big vortex dump-truck thing in the mine that's next to the pyramids. Meanwhile meagan fox's boobs are running in slow motion, the desert is being blown up a lot, the marines are there, there is some big EMP pulse which destroys their communications but they still blow stuff up and get blown up a lot repeatedly. The bad robots are there, and suddenly the good robots are there too and you can't tell who is who anymore. Then the british robot shows up again and helps out while they continue to fight and there are more big explosions. Oh, and previously they did find the magic thing that they need to bring back the big-rig truck to life who will save the planet, and they had found that because the two black racist characters obviously got into a fight in some tomb thing and they broke through the rock wall whilst fighting and they discovered in this manner the secret hiding place of the magic widget. So anyway, they're fighting, and there is the biggest explosion in the history of film and megan fox's boobs are going in slow motion again, and the guy gets blown up but megan fox tells him how much she loves him with horrible dialogue but STILL DOESNT KISS HIM and he has a dream where the robots tell him the meaning of life, so he comes BACK to life and the magic widget turns real again from the dust (it had turned to dust previously, apparently a religious reference? I don't know). So now with the magic widget he brings the big-rig back to life, but the bad robot (who, by the way, comes to earth from the crashed-landed ship on the planet in Ridley Scott's original Alien film) takes the magid widget and climbs the pyramid which is OBVIOUSLY where the machine is. Turturro makes more testicle jokes. Megan fox bends over some more while running. The navy fires a big secret rail-gun thing at the pyramids. They drop bombs everywhere, or wait, no they did that already I think. Oh and by the way his parents are in the desert here too, apparently the bad robots brought them there from france for some reason. So anyway, the british robot gives the big-rig his soul and all his parts and makes him strong, so he goes and destroys the sun-blowing-up machine that's inside the pyramid and kills the bad guys. World saved. Brain cells mutilated. Keep in mind that about 60-70% of the film through this entire plot is composed ENTIRELY of michael bay spinny POWER SHOTS!!!
This gigantic vomit paragraph is just to capture in part how terribly horrible this turd was. If you could read a horrible novel in CAPS LOCK and without any punctuation or paragraphs, that's what this movie felt like. What a piece of crap.
The audio wasn't even that great either. I don't know what the video looked like on the BD, I had trouble because my eyes kept glazing over.
I recommend just stopping by home depot and just picking up a few cans of spray paint and a paper bag and huffing the fumes. It will do less damage to your brain matter than this garbage.