More Woody Allen (I love his early films):
Love and Death
Drill Sergeant: One, two. One, two. One, two.
Boris: Three is next, if you're having any trouble.
Anton: If you so much as come near the Countess, I'll see that you never see the light of day again.
Boris: If a man said that to me, I'd break his neck.
Anton: *I* am a man.
Boris: Well, I mean a much shorter man.
Countess Alexandrovna: You are the greatest lover I've ever had.
Boris: Well, I practice a lot when I'm alone.
Drill Sergeant: From now on you'll clean the mess hall and the latrine!
Boris: Yes, sir! How will I tell the difference?
Boris: I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.
Napoleon: I heard you speaking to someone.
Sonja: Oh, I was praying.
Napoleon: But I heard TWO voices.
Sonja: Well, I do both parts.
Soldier: Oh, God is testing us.
Boris: If He's gonna test us, why doesn't He give us a written?
Countess Alexandrovna: Would you like some wine? Something to put you in the mood?
Boris: I've been in the mood since the late 1700's.
Sonja: What are you suggesting, passive resistance?
Boris: No, I'm suggesting active fleeing.
Sonja: Boris is trying to commit suicide - last week he contemplated inhaling next to an Armenian.
Boris: Oh, if only God would give me some sign. If He would just speak to me once. Anything. One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
Sonja: Of course there's a God! We're made in His image!
Boris: You think I was made in God's image? Take a look at me. You think He wears glasses?
Sonja: Not with those frames.
Boris: If, by some mistake, I'm not killed tomorrow, would you marry me?
Sonja: What do you think the odds are?
Russian gentleman: Your skin, it is so beautiful!
Sonja: Yes, I know. It covers my whole body.
What's Up, Tiger Lily?
Phil Moscowitz: Meet me in the bedroom in five minutes and bring a cattle prod.
High Macha Of Rashpur: Good afternoon. I am the Grand Exalted High Macha of Raspur, a nonexistent but real-sounding country.
Phil Moscowitz: Uh-huh.
High Macha Of Rashpur: Yes. We're on a waiting list. As soon as there's an opening on the map, we're next.
Teri Yaki: [talking about Shepherd Wong] I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
High Macha Of Rashpur: [displaying a printed floor plan] This is Shepherd Wong's home.
Phil Moscowitz: He lives in that piece of paper?
Shepherd Wong: You want egg salad, I'll give you egg salad! Did you bring the mayonnaise?
Suki Yaki: Mayonnaise?
Shepherd Wong: I told you to take a jar!
Suki Yaki: Boy is he weird.
Shepherd Wong: Oh, nevermind. If there's none on board, forget it. We'll use Miracle Whip. Heee-yee-hee-hee-ha-ha!
Smiling young man: Would the owner of the rickshaw with license plate number 406, please remove it. Your coolie has a hernia.
Fielding Mellish: You busy tonight?
Norma: Some old friends are coming over. We're gonna show some pornographic movies.
Fielding Mellish: You need an usher?
Fielding Mellish: I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.
Fielding Mellish: You cannot bash in the head of an American citizen without written permission from the State Department.
Fielding Mellish: I had a good relationship with my parents. They very rarely h-... I think they hit me once, actually, in my whole childhood. They, they, uh, started beating me on the 23rd of December in 1942, and stopped beating me in the late Spring of '44.
[Fielding is talking to a psychiatrist]
Fielding Mellish: I was a nervous child - I was a bed wetter. When I was younger, I, uh, I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself...
Rebel Leader: Remember, with a snake bite, you must SUCK the poison out, remember - you SUCK it out...
Fielding Mellish: I cannot, I cannot suck anyone who I am not engaged to...
Snake Bite Lady: [running topless clasping her breast] Snake bite, Snake bite! I've been bitten by a snake!
[all rebels chase her]
News Anchor: Today's top stories: The United States government brings charges against Fielding Mellish as a subversive impostor, New York garbage men are striking for a better class of garbage, and the National Rifle Association declares death a good thing.