"At the time of which I speak, I'm tending bar in Medicine Hat. A
fellow used to come in there had a glass eye. Used to put this glass
eye in a tumbler of water. One night, he forgot it...I found it. The
next day he came in and I said, "young fellow, you forgot your glass
eye" and I gave it back to him. Ever since that day, I've been known
as Honest John."
One could go on for a long time with W. C. Fields quotes.
WC: "I'm tending bar one time down in the lower east side in New York. A tough paloma comes in there by the name of Chicago Molly. I cautioned her, 'None of your peccadilloes in here.' There was some hot lunch on the bar, comprising of succotash, Philadelphia Cream Cheese, and asparagus with mayonnaise. She dips her mitt down into this melange. I'm yawning at the time, and she hits me right in the mug with it. I jumps over and I knocks her down."
Squawk: "You knocked her down? I was the one that knocked her down!"
WC: "Oh yes, that's right. He knocked her down...but I was the one who started kicking her. I starts kicking her in the midriff. Did you ever kick a woman in the midriff that had a pair of corsets on?"
Customer: "No, I just can't recall any such incident right now."
WC: "Well, I almost broke my great toe; I never had such a painful experience."
Customer: "Did she ever come back again?"
Squawk: "I'll say she came back. She came back a week later and beat the both of us up."
WC: "Yeh, but she had another woman with her--an elderly woman with gray hair."