Best TV Quotes of All Time

"As God as my judge, I thought turkeys could fly."

-Bill

This could be as endless as the movie quote thread, and all just from The Simpsons.

Here's one to start:

"Alright, Brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you. But let's just do this, and I can get back to killing you with beer."

"Attention all workers:
We have completed our employee evaluations and regret to announce the following layoffs, which will be read in alphabetical order:

Simpson, Homer.

That is all."

[The Big Bang Theory] S02E20 - The Hoffstadter Isotope #229

Penny: What would you recommend as a present for a 13-year-old boy?
Stuart: A 13-year-old girl.

What.

NO TV show has ever EVER had better quotes than The Simpsons....hell, it ain't even close.

Stargate SG-1 various episodes
Telac...."Indeed"

Married With Children


Peg: " You got a night job?"
Al: " I've already got one of those. It's called 'Getting in Bed with You.'"
Peg: " Well, then. You've been missing work."


Al: " Have I told you not to marry?"
Bud: " Yea, dad"
Al: " Have I told you not to be a shoe salesman?"
Bud: " Yea, dad"
Al: " Well, I guess I told you everything I know."


PEG Now, I want you to take this to work with you and hang it up, so I can
be with you all day long.
AL: Well, that kinda defeats the purpose of going to work, doesn't it?


Kelly: Bud, I'm gonna kill you, and then I'm gonna bury you alive!

A name says alot about a Man. LOL! Les Nessman FTW!

Johnny Fever is sleeping in the soundbooth, playing Pink Floyd's "Animals". Big Guy comes in, puzzled. What's that sound?

He tries to read the turntable, reaches out to stop the record.

Johnny: "Don't do that."

Big Guy: (jumps) "Do I hear dogs?"

Johnny: "I don't know. I do."

-Bill

So many from Seinfeld but here are a couple that have always stood out to me.

"I'm out!"

I've got hand!" "And you're gonna need it."

Any bets on how long before Firefly quotes start showing up? Aw hell I'll just go ahead and get it started:

Jayne: "Do you know what the chain of command is here? It's the chain I go get and beat you with to show you who's in command."

"The jerk store called, and they're all out of you!"

Not necessarily a great quote, but the anticlimacticness(?) of it after George's meticulous planning and waiting and attempt to make it seem completely spontaneous has got to be one of Seinfeld's best scenes.

NCIS

Agent Caitlin Todd: Do all Marines build boats?
Tony: Just the ones that have been married a few times.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Why's that?
Tony: The other ones can afford to buy one.

Lou: You know what? You've got spunk.
Mary: Well, yes…
Lou: I hate spunk.

-- Mary Tyler Moore, S01E01

Every 4th Star Trek episode:
"He's dead, Jim."
"The engines canna take anymore, Cap'n!"

Every Star Trek episode:
"Fascinating"
"Highly illogical."
"Oh my!"
"Hailing frequencies open."


Doug

Where.

When people ask when the next firmware will be released, or are anxious for a product announcement, I tell them "Soon. The Oracle will only say 'soon'".



Also:

McCoy: "Spock, you're nothing but a disembodied brain!"
Spock: "Fascinating."

Oh, those givers of pain and delight.

-Bill

Buffy
Buffy: "Does it ever get easy?"
Giles: "You mean life?"
Buffy: "Yeah. Does it get easy?"
Giles: "What do you want me to say?"
Buffy: "Lie to me."
Giles: "Yes, it's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after."
Buffy: "Liar."

Angel
[meeting Lorne for the first time]
Cordelia: Who is this guy?
Wesley: He's anagogic.
Cordelia: Really? He looks like he's eating enough.

Arrested Development
Tobias Fünke: Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist.

Deadwood
Al Swearengen: Pain or damage don't end the world. Or despair or ****ing beatings. The world ends when you're dead. Until then, you got more punishment in store. Stand it like a man... and give some back.

The Wire
Det. James 'Jimmy' McNulty: I got to ask you. If every time Snotboogie would grab the money and run away, why'd you even let him in the game?
Witness: What?
Det. James 'Jimmy' McNulty: If Snotboogie always stole the money, why'd you let him play?
Witness: You got to, this America, man.

There is a Deadwood quote that has always haunted me. While Alma Garrett and Seth Bullock's affair was at its peak and after Seth had told Alma that he would leave Deadwood with her, Seth's wife, who had been the widow of Seth's dead brother came to town with her son. Anguishing over whether or not she should leave with Bullock, Alma has this exchange with her ward's nannie,Miss Isringhausen:

Jesus!

Vinny Barbarino?

Why.

A few of my favorites from King of the Hill and Weeds.

Hank: It's not even 9a.m. and already the boy ain't right.
Dale introducing himself as the keyboardist in the band they were all in and still feeling paranoid about using his own name: "And now, on the keys, The Big D, Rusty Shackleford!

From Weeds.

Doug talking to Andy about his wife: How do ask the woman who makes your kid's lunches to spread her ass like a geometry compass? How Andy?

Doug answering Nancy about a question she asked him:
"Don't ask me, I'm ****ed up on cornbread."

Don't know why but I giggled when in "Moonlighting," Bruce Willis said, "Women...you can't live with them and you can't put them out on the curb when you're done with them."

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Frank: Charlie, you've got a lot of balls, stealing my money. This shows leadership; I am promoting you to management.
Charlie: That's why I did it.
Mac: That's why I did it too, Frank! I stole lots of your money, what do I get?
Frank: You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief.
Sweet Dee: How come Charlie...? It's not fair...
Dennis: Why would you do this to us, dad?
Frank: Because you're crackheads, children.


Dee: I am not a failure!
Mac: Dennis, what is it that you call it when somebody tries to do something but doesn't succeed?
Dennis: Uh, that would in fact be a failure.


Mac: Do you want to shove heroin into your a**?
Charlie: Dude, I don't want to shove anything in my a**!
Mac: All right! This is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are, and not have to shove anything up our a**es!
Frank (sitting in the same room while on oxygen, with a gun in his hand and plotting to kill his wife's former lover): What in God's name are you two talking about?

Norm from Cheers: "Women...can't live with 'em.....pass the beer nuts."

...and speaking of Cheers, one of my favorite pearls of wisdom from Cliff:

WOODY: I always wondered, if he can afford to buy those kits to catch the Road Runner, why can't he afford to buy something to eat?

CLIFF: Woody, I think you're missing the point here. It's not that Wyle E. Coyote wants to eat, necessarily, or that he wants to eat a roadrunner. What he wants is to eat that particular roadrunner.