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Best TV Quotes of All Time - Page 2

post #31 of 64
"Hi. I'm Larry. This ismy brother Darryl. And this is my other brother Darryl"
post #32 of 64
Nick (Dan Hedaya) in Cheers: "Say the word, Blondie, and you and me could happen."

She turns and gives him that look: "I would rather be the sex slave of an entire Greek army regiment."

Nick: "Who wouldn't? There's no point dreamin' about it."

-Bill
post #33 of 64
This is another of my all time favorite Deadwood exchanges:
Quote:
Sol: Why did you go to him?
Trixie: I've lived most of my life a whore, and as much as he's her misery, the pimp's a whore's familiar, so the sudden strange or violent draws her to him. Not that I wouldn't learn another way.
post #34 of 64
You see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
post #35 of 64
Seinfeld

Jerry: But I don't wanna be a pirate!

Babu: You very bad man, Jerry. Very bad man.

Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint... it's delicious!
Jerry: That's true.
Kramer: It's very refreshing!

Jerry: Well, I cashed the checks, the checks bounced, and now my Nana's missing.
Kramer: Well don't look at me.
Jerry: It's your fault.
Kramer: My fault? Your Nana is missing because she's been passing those bum checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people.

Soup Nazi: No soup for you!

Kramer: It's a Festivus miracle!

Elaine: YOU'RE BALD!
George: Correction. I WAS bald!

George: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?
Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.
post #36 of 64
Another couple or my favorites, both from The Big Lebowski:
Quote:
Walter Sobchak: I told that Kraut a fu*kin' thousand times, I don't roll on shabbos!

And another of my favorite Walterisms, this one often repeated:
Quote:
Shut the f**k up, Donny!

smile.gif
post #37 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by gwsat View Post

Another couple or my favorites, both from The Big Lebowski:
And another of my favorite Walterisms, this one often repeated:
smile.gif
Let's just post The Coen's scripts in this thread and get it over with....tongue.gif
post #38 of 64
One of my favourite classic Star Trek quotes comes from "The Corbomite Maneuver" - Kirk is having a physical exam and McCoy doesn't tell him about the flashing alert light.

McCoy (as Kirk leaves in a huff): What am I, a Doctor or a moon shuttle conductor?

McCoy (to himself): If I jumped every time a light came on around here I'd end up talking to myself.
post #39 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by oink View Post

Let's just post The Coen's scripts in this thread and get it over with....tongue.gif

Isn't it the truth! My grandson and I can quote lines without end from The Big Lebowski, Fargo, and Raising Arizona, among others, to each other. I should have posted my earlier comment about The Big Lebowski to the Great Movie Quotes thread but I forgot.smile.gif More seriously, it really might make sense to post all the Deadwood transcripts here. I long ago downloaded them from the Web for ready reference.
post #40 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by gwsat View Post

More seriously, it really might make sense to post all the Deadwood transcripts here.
Speaking of....
I finished S2 a few weeks back.smile.gif
Bought the BD set and just love the series (wife does too).
Got a little side-tracked, but will try to finish up ASAP.
post #41 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by oink View Post

Speaking of....
I finished S2 a few weeks back.smile.gif
Bought the BD set and just love the series (wife does too).
Got a little side-tracked, but will try to finish up ASAP.

I bought the original Deadwood DVDs as they were released. For the first and only time with a TV series, I upgraded to the BD set of the series last summer. The original season DVD sets were so rapaciously priced, I had to pay $65 for Season 3 alone in 2007 but got the BDs for all 3 seasons for only $70.
post #42 of 64
You don't sh%# where you eat. And you especially don't sh%# where I eat.



Who knows more about extortion, you or me?
post #43 of 64
Dan: "Jane, you ignorant slut.”


SNL
post #44 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aliens View Post

Dan: "Jane, you ignorant slut.”
SNL
A classic SNL quote.
God, there was so many....
Who can forget the Land Shark (who is it?), the Chicago Deli (coke, no pepsi), and on and on....wink.gif
post #45 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by oink View Post

A classic SNL quote.
God, there was so many....
Who can forget the Land Shark (who is it?), the Chicago Deli (coke, no pepsi), and on and on....wink.gif

This is a bit long, but I remember actually getting stomach cramps from laughing when this skit aired:
Margeret Jo McCullen: Well, Pete, Teri and I have been looking forward to having you on the show, 'cause we know you're the master of all kinds of Christmas goodies. Tell us about them.

Pete Schweddy: Well, there are lots of great treats this time of year - Zucchini Bread, Fruitcake.. but the thing that I most like to bring out this time of year are my Balls.

Teri Rialto: Mmm.. Balls.. Tell us about your Balls, Pete.

Pete Schweddy: Well, over at Season's Eatings, we have Balls for every taste. Popcorn Balls, Cheese Balls, Rum Balls.. you name it.

Margeret Jo McCullen: Wow! My mouth's watering just thinking about those Balls!

Teri Rialto: It's been years since I've seen any Balls.

Pete Schweddy: Would you like to see my Balls now?

Margeret Jo McCullen: Yeah. Whip them out.

[ Pete places a tray of Balls on the control board ]

Teri Rialto: Mmm.. wow.. you have some beautiful Balls..

Margeret Jo McCullen: They're bigger than I expected.

Pete Schweddy: A lot of people tell me that.

Margeret Jo McCullen: Look at that, Teri - the way they glisten.

Pete Schweddy: That's because make sure that each one of my Balls gets plenty of oil.

Margeret Jo McCullen: I can't help but, notice, Pete - your Balls are a little misshapen.

Pete Schweddy: That's because I rested them on a hot stove too long.

Teri Rialto: Can I touch your Balls.

Pete Schweddy: Go ahead. But be careful, they're very delicate.

Margeret Jo McCullen: Wow. I can't wait to get my mouth around his Balls.

Teri Rialto: [ sniffing ] Ooh.. I like the way your Balls smell..

Pete Schweddy: Do whatever you want to, ladies. My Balls are here for your pleasure.

Margeret Jo McCullen: [ chewing ] Wow, Pete.. I have to say - your Balls are so tender..

Pete Schweddy: Well, there's no beating my Balls. They're made from a secret Schweddy Family recipe. No one can resist my Schweddy Balls.

Margeret Jo McCullen: Wow.. Schweddy Balls. Nothing like a Schweddy Ball.

Teri Rialto: Good Balls.

Margeret Jo McCullen: Mmm.. good times.

Teri Rialto: Good times.. Mmm.. our producer is telling us it's time to wrap it up.

Margeret Jo McCullen: That's all the time we have today, Teri. So, join us next week, when our topic will be that other holiday favorite..

Margaret Jo & Teri - ..Fragrant, Flavored Nuts.

Pete Schweddy: A quick plug! If you order from Season's Eatings now, you can still send out a special Schweddy Ball Sack in time.

Margeret Jo McCullen: Great idea. My niece would love a Sack of Schweddy Balls...
post #46 of 64
^THAT is the funniest post in the history of AVS.eek.giftongue.gifredface.gifbiggrin.giftongue.gifbiggrin.gif
post #47 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by oink View Post

^THAT is the funniest post in the history of AVS.eek.giftongue.gifredface.gifbiggrin.giftongue.gifbiggrin.gif

When the writing on SNL was at its best, as it was in the skit quoted by simontan, it was the funniest stuff ever shown on television. Another wonderful SNL skit was Dan Aykroyd's send up of Julia Child. This one was in my wheel house because my wife and I used to watch Julia Child's show on PBS ever week. For the few of you who have never seen the Aykroyd skit be sure to watch it. You'll be glad you did. It's funny even if you never saw a Julia Child cooking show but roll on the floor hilarious if you have.
post #48 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by gwsat View Post

When the writing on SNL was at its best, as it was in the skit quoted by simontan, it was the funniest stuff ever shown on television. Another wonderful SNL skit was Dan Aykroyd's send up of Julia Child. This one was in my wheel house because my wife and I used to watch Julia Child's show on PBS ever week. For the few of you who have never seen the Aykroyd skit be sure to watch it. You'll be glad you did. It's funny even if you never saw a Julia Child cooking show but roll on the floor hilarious if you have.
I miss Aykroyd...wish he would work more.wink.gif
post #49 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by oink View Post

I miss Aykroyd...wish he would work more.wink.gif

He's not that funny anymore.

post #50 of 64
No soup for you!

There was a golf ball stuck in the whale's blowhole.

Are you sponge-worthy?

No double-dipping!

Moops, it says moops not moors!!!!

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Mulva?

Delores!!!!!

Why dont you tell me the name of the movie you want to see.

They are real, and they are spectacular.

They were making out during Schindlers List!

Festivus for the rest of us.

Yada yada yada.........
post #51 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by yankeeman View Post

No soup for you!
There was a golf ball stuck in the whale's blowhole.
Are you sponge-worthy?
No double-dipping!
Moops, it says moops not moors!!!!
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Mulva?
Delores!!!!!
Why dont you tell me the name of the movie you want to see.
They are real, and they are spectacular.
They were making out during Schindlers List!
Festivus for the rest of us.
Yada yada yada.........

"is that a Titleist?"
post #52 of 64
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoCaboNow View Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by yankeeman View Post

No soup for you!
There was a golf ball stuck in the whale's blowhole.
Are you sponge-worthy?
No double-dipping!
Moops, it says moops not moors!!!!
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Mulva?
Delores!!!!!
Why dont you tell me the name of the movie you want to see.
They are real, and they are spectacular.
They were making out during Schindlers List!
Festivus for the rest of us.
Yada yada yada.........

"is that a Titleist?"

I loved the Kenny Rogers Roasters episode when the red light from the sign shown into Kramers apt. He comes in and Jerry asks, "How's life on the red planet?" Kramer says its fine and pours a bowl of cereal and adds tomato juice to it, takes a bite and spits it out. Then he freaks out and says, "That looked like milk to me Jerry! My cones and rods are all screwed up!"
post #53 of 64
Gimme that marble rye you old bag.

Helllllllllloooooooo Newman. Hellllllooooooooo Jerry.

She was walking down the street just wearing a bra.

I wasnt picking my nose!!

Geez, you could go on about Seinfeld stuff forever, what a show that was. But then in the old days the show for me as a younster was THE HONEYMOONERS.

Pow, zoom, up to the moon.

Baby, you're the greatest.

This is the way you core a apple.

Hellllloooooo balllllllll.

With Ralph's bulging eyes and waistline, Gleason was so brilliant, what a show!!!
post #54 of 64
From when the latest movie quotes thread got off-topic...

One of my all-time favorite quotes is from one of the first ABC Movie of the week films: The Over The Hill Gang"
Chill Wills is in a poker game and when everyone shows their hand, he says, "I ain't one to quibble over the rules, but seven aces in one deck...WHEW! that's a LOT of aces."

Old school....(hey, I'm an old-grew-up-on-TV- fart)....

Any variation of "My, you look fine today, Mrs. Cleaver."

"What does a yellow light mean?"
"Slow down."
What...does..a...yellow...light...mean?"
"SLOW down."
Whaaat...doessss....aaaa.....yeeelllooowww....mean?"
"SLOW DOWN"
"Whaaaaaaaat..........doesssssssss..........a........yelloooooooooooow............liiiiiiight.......meeeeeeean?"

Uromyotosis!

OH, Bob!
Hi. This my brother Daryl, and this is my other brother, Daryl.

(Pointing to his head) "They checked up here, and you know what they found? NOTHING!"
BANG! Zoom!

Luceeeee........

Sock it to ME?

Quote:
NO TV show has ever EVER had better quotes than The Simpsons....hell, it ain't even close.
Except for Family Guy.
Quote:
^THAT is the funniest post in the history of AVS.eek.giftongue.gifredface.gifbiggrin.giftongue.gifbiggrin.gif
Don' be reDICulous!

Don't even get me started on Monty Python or Faulty Towers.
This is an EX-parrot!
Edited by tlogan6797 - 10/4/12 at 6:55am
post #55 of 64
Quote:
""What does a yellow light mean?"
"Slow down."
What...does..a...yellow...light...mean?"
"SLOW down."
Whaaat...doessss....aaaa.....yeeelllooowww....mean?"
"SLOW DOWN"
"Whaaaaaaaat..........doesssssssss..........a........yelloooooooooooow............liiiiiiight.......meeeeeeean?"

That was an all-time classic, and Christopher Lloyd was so perfect in that role!!!!!
post #56 of 64
Bullwinkle: Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit outta my hat...

Rocky: Again?!?
post #57 of 64
ooo...ooo...oooo are we doing cartoons now? (Although, "ooo...ooo....ooo" by itself is a classic TV quote. Anyone wanna guess?)

Of course, you know, this means WAR!
I killed the Wabbit!
Hello, my Baby, Hello, my Honey, Hello, my ragtime , gaaaallllll.... (tell me truthfully you didn't SING that while reading it!)
Should'a made a left turn at Al-ba-kirky.
Rabbit season! Duck season! Rabbit season! Rabbit season! Duck season! POW!!!! You're dish-picable.

Too many more....
post #58 of 64
Kids in the Hall

1) Alien #1: We've been coming here for 50 years and performing anal probes, and all that we have learned is that one in ten doesn't really seem to mind.

2)Bruce: I'm a bikini inspector. It's not a joke, I inspect bikinis. It's my job. You know, I see a lot of guys on the beach wearin' "Bikini Inspector" t-shirts. But they're not real bikini inspectors, they just wish they were, for some weird reason. I don't know why anyone would pretend to be a bikini inspector. It's a menial job. You gotta take a bus there every day. There's an hour right there. You work in a dank factory, you gotta inspect four or five thousand units, your eyes start to go buggy and squinty. Shift work too, ya know? And for that you make, well, let's just say the amount of money I make is my own business. Although I do make somewhere around $8.67 an hour. Bikini inspector.

The only job worse than that is the job I had in Collingwood, Ontario. Workin' in the woods. I was on the beaver patrol. Rotten job, mud in your boots, trapsin' through the underbrush lookin' for beaver dams that are cloggin' up the irrigation system. One beaver even bit my thumb. But it's all part for the course on the beaver patrol. You know, I'd go out after work, beaver bites all over my thumbs, go to a bar for a quick drink, and I'd see guys there wearin' t-shirts that said my job on them. But not like other rotten jobs, like "Fry cook" or "Night security guard at an out of the way mall." So, I'd be sittin' there, tryin' to find pride in my work, wearin' my beaver patrol t-shirt, and the women stare at ya. Well, I'm sorry ma'am, if I'm not a doctor,but thems the breaks. One woman even bit my thumb.

But I'm gettin' out of here. Tryin' to get on as a "Muff Diver." Read it on a t-shirt. I don't know what it is, but, that job can't be much worse than what I'm doin' now, eh? Eh? Yeah....
post #59 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by tlogan6797 View Post

"What does a yellow light mean?"
"Slow down."
What...does..a...yellow...light...mean?"
"SLOW down."
Whaaat...doessss....aaaa.....yeeelllooowww....mean?"
"SLOW DOWN"
"Whaaaaaaaat..........doesssssssss..........a........yelloooooooooooow............liiiiiiight.......meeeeeeean?"

Quote:
Originally Posted by yankeeman View Post

That was an all-time classic, and Christopher Lloyd was so perfect in that role!!!!!

All-time classic is right! I still remember just cracking up a LONG time ago when I first saw this.
post #60 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by tlogan6797 View Post

"What does a yellow light mean?"
"Slow down."
What...does..a...yellow...light...mean?"
"SLOW down."
Whaaat...doessss....aaaa.....yeeelllooowww....mean?"
"SLOW DOWN"
"Whaaaaaaaat..........doesssssssss..........a........yelloooooooooooow............liiiiiiight.......meeeeeeean?"

Ha! Yeah, Jim was great, as others have noted. I remember I couldn't stop laughing when I first saw and heard that exchange (and hell, every time I've seen it since!). My sides hurt.
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