The next step on my path to destruction was tiling the bar floor. I have never tiled before and when you see the pictures you will know why. Here are my steps to laying tile so you can follow along and get great results:
1) Find an excuse to buy something, preferrably a new tool of some sort. Maybe if you look online long enough you will find a sweet deal on a wet saw from THD 50% off with free shipping for less than 2 days of rental. Justify it with the wife by saying that you will use it to tile the master bath. PS. I will NEVER tile the master bath. At least not in this lifetime.
2) Find an excuse to buy a second tool that you have been salivating over such as the Fein Multimaster. Use the "Look at the awesome deal I got on the wet saw" trick to distract the wife while you sneak the really expensive Fein into the basement. By the time the wife stumbles upon it pretend like you have had it for years. Works like a charm. Justify purchase by telling yourself that you can't possibly finish the theater without it.
3) Go to the store and pick out tile in under 5 minutes. The longer you wait to make a decision the more times your wife will change her mind. Be sure to use the Home Theater Build Jedi Mind Trick on her when she starts walking over to the really expensive tile. ME: Those are not the tiles you are looking for. HER: Those are not the tiles we are looking for. It is a skill we must all master.
4) Mix the thinset mortar. Be sure to pour the entire bag in a 5 gallon bucket, add water and try mixing with a Dewalt drill and a paint mixer. This way you are sure to only use 25% of the bag and the rest will go to waste. Dump bucket of hardened mortar on the side of the house. Deal with it in the spring. Go get a paddle mixer for batch #2. What a difference.
5) Start tiling from the front of the bar to the inside of the bar. That way when you realize you have tiled yourself into an impossible escape, you can sit for about an hour hoping that the mortar will harden just enough for you to walk on it. Use this time to reflect how this was a terrible idea.
6) Try walking on tile. When you mess up all your grout lines, cry for help and have the wife bring you a giant plank of wood to spread out the pressure and do little damage to the freshly laid tile as you walk out. Spend the next hour fixing all your grout lines that the plank of wood didn't stop from getting screwed up.
7) Drop wifes car insurance to PLPD just before big snowstorm. Have her total car on the way to the airport (yes she is fine) and don't get a dime from the insurance company. Note: see previous post.
8) Finish tiling 2 weeks after starting. Now all you have to do is grout. Take a picture and admire your handywork. Realize you have about a month of tile cleaning ahead before you can start grouting.
Try not to be jealous of the fine craftsmanship. You too can almost finish tiling a floor if you follow these 8 simple steps.
God help me.