In a move that can be described as either incredibly surprising, or completely unsurprising, Apple has purchased Bose and announced its intention to consolidate the brand with Beats, resulting in "Beats by Bose" headphones and speakers.

The benefits of this unexpected marriage between the two B's and the big A are many and manifest. But none looms larger than creating synergy between the football product placement campaign of Bose and the wish to wear Beats that is universally held by NFL players.

You don't have to be a football player to appreciate the benefits of Apple Beats by Bose sound. When you combine the engineering prowess of the top two headphone brands, is there any question as to whether the result is going to blow you away? Of course not.

Apple notes that the Beats by Bose Siri Signature Edition ($9999, available late 2022) is the all-time ultimate in headphones. Moreover, they are available at a demonstrably lower price than the Sennheiser Orpheus. "Unlike Orpheus, the BBBSSE does not use heavy and obsolete marble, nor energy-inefficient Russian tubes, which sets our headphones apart from that anachronistic German doorstop." said Tim Cook of Apple in an exclusive quote.

Of course if all you are looking for is the sound quality and functionality of the Beats by Bose Siri Signature, and you want to buy a pair of headphones in the year 2018, you can pre-order the iBeats Silent Luxury, ($888). the iBSL is literally the same thing as the BBBSSE, but made of plastic instead of solid graphene. If you can stand the sneers of snobs that have the Siri Signature on pre-order, you'll probably find these headphones an agreeable domestic partner that you would not mind being seen with while shopping for kale and quinoa at Whole Foods.

So, I know… you are wondering what on Earth these headphones do to justify a Beats and Bose merger. And the answer is… they also order beer just by you thinking about it when you are at an NFL game and then send a GPS signal so it can be delivered to you.

Anyhow, with about 93% of the headphone market covered by its newly merged brands, Apple sure is in a lucky place. Hopefully the new Beats by Bose products will sound as good as gold, Dr. Dre did not return a phone call seeking pithy comments.

As for speakers, Apple is being it's typical self, only noting that any Beats by Bose speakers will "not be rebadged homepods, uh uh." and added that "Tidal sucks!"

I plan to write a review of the Apple Beats by Bose iBeats Silent Luxury headphones as soon as I'm able to go to my local airport and perform an in-depth listening session with a pair, so watch out for that.

(Posted April 1st, 2018)






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