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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
It's gotten way too serious around here, time for some fun. I got these off the radio today: Questions that cannot be answered:


1) We know the speed of light, what is the speed of dark?


2) If you were in a car travelling faster than the speed of light, would you see your headlights in your rearview mirror?


3) (As posted elsewhere already) Do insurance companies cover atheists for 'Acts of God"?



Oh, and way off topic, if there's any Def Leppard fans out there, I went to two local shows, and have pix and CD's of the shows that I can share in about a week (not that I condone this kind of activity), but the band has been on air many times that they have no problems with tapers..:)


Curt
 

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1 the same as the speed of light

186,000 miles per hour darkness

would fill the void as fast as the light left


2no you will still see the lights in front of you

the only way to go faster than the speed of

light is to change the light speed constant

around the vehicle you are traveling in


3

beats the he**ll out of me



XANATOS
 

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This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century.

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, and then insured them against fire

among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued ... and won!


In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.


Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid

$15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."


NOW FOR THE BEST PART...


After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! one for each cigar. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was

convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.


**********************************

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest. YES!!! = ONLY IN

AMERICA!!!
 

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Very good Mike......


Terry
 

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1 Speed of light or dark is 186,000 miles per SECOND not hour


2 Your mass, and the vehicle, would be near infinity so start dieting now!


3 I have no jokes that can be told in a public forum but there were these two nuns..................
 

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:D
 

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Curt,

In the same vane...


If joggers could run at the speed of sound, could they hear their walkman?
 

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I think you WOULD see the lights in the rear view mirror. You would get to some point before the light. If you were to travel away from earth faster than the speed of light, you could look back at what was happening before you left. Hubble is looking into the past all the time.


Let's hope that your vehicle, traveling at this speed, is not protected from heat by the same material as the shuttle.


An engineer was sent to hell. On arriving, he asked where the TV was. He wanted to watch the big game. He was told there was no TV. Where's the cold beer he asked. No beer no refrigeration. The engineer set about making changes. He assigned souls to acquire the necessary material while he drew the prints. In a short period of time Hell was not what it was supposed to be. Cold beer, TV, microwave ovens, the works. God heard what was happening and called the devil. "What's going on down there," He asked. The devil answered that He had sent him an engineer. God responded that it must be a mistake. Send him back. The devil said NO WAY. God said "If you don't send him back, I'll sue. The devil said "Go ahead, but were are you going to find a lawyer."


Walt
 

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Here is one I got today:


A priest and pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road pounding a sign into the ground that reads: "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"


"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled a driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.


The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"



Nick
 

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There's this priest and an alter boy....


ok nevermind, that's probably not cool :D .
 

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Drinking Buddies


Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane

mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and

they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wishcwe had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.


The next morning Bud woke up and was surprised at how good he felt.

In fact, he felt GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!


Then the phone rang. It was Jim.


Jim said, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"


Bud said, "I feel great.

How about you?"


Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing.

We ought to do this more often."


"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."


"What's that?"


"Have you farted yet?"


"No....."

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"



Not really a joak but interesting...



Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't

mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is

taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a

toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we

do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
 

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Quote:
If joggers could run at the speed of sound, could they hear their walkman?
And would it still be called a Walkman?
 

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I'd kill for a Nobel peace prize

(can't remember the comic's name...)
 

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Ok, being an Engineer, I have to pipe up on these science based questions..... ;)


#2 current theory states that you cannot travel at or greater than the speed of light unless you're intial velocity is greater than c. My '82 Camaro can do this no problem but I cant seem to open the door and get in fast enough.....


A doctor, a lawyer and an Engineer are all standing at urinals having a leak.


Upon completion the Doctor states that he learned in Med school they must wash their hands for at least 2 minutes in order to properly clean ones hands.


The lawyer proudly states his knowledge of many cases based on employees not washing they're hands after using the facilities and that law states you must wash your hands for at least 3 minutes.


The Engineer passively states that he's always found it best not piss on your hands.........


Wes
 

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I've heard that doctor, lawyer, engineer joke before as a us army / brit army guy. Same lines though. :)


I've definately found that the engineer is right, being that my father is an engineer and I'm a computer "engineer". :D
 

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A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.


However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.


So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"


And a great voice was heard from above...


"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
 

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A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."


"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."


Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."


:)
 

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Last one....



Monica Lewinsky, said in a statement released in response to President Clinton's testimony said:


"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.


This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet the challenge the only way I know how: head-on. I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again.


No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work nonstop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it. Thank you."


Monica Lewinsky
 

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OK, My two bits:


Questions with no answers.


Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"


Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's a$$."


Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?


If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their a$$ when they ask where the bathroom is?


If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?


Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


Does moving the mouse on the pad make a computer program open more quickly?
 

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OK last last one I swear.


Welcome to Hell

by Rorke Haining

A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor.


He thinks to himself "I know I lead a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.


Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?


Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.


Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?


Guy: Sure, I love to drink.


Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?


Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.


Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?


Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.


Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?


Guy: Yes, I love to gamble.


Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?


Guy: Uhh...no.


Counselor: Oh , you're gonna hate Fridays...
 
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