April Fool’s Day Cancelled

This is no joke. The events of 2020 have made April Fools Day tradition an undesirable distraction and numerous major corporations have announced that this year they are not attempting any pranks.

When Google announced it was cancelling its April Fool’s Day activities, I had already written an April Fools Day post where the peg was the cancellation of April Fool’s Day.

Now is not the time for pranks. But it is a good time to take advantage of home entertainment, so that you can maintain best social distancing practices while battling boredom. Please stay healthy.

Anyhow, here’s what would have been the post… now presented as a historical artifact:

(The following is satire)

Breaking: The National April Fools Day Commission has announced the cancellation of April Fools Day. Please stay tuned for instructions on how to take everything seriously.

16K Right Away

In other news, because the Tokyo Olympics are delayed a year, the TV industry has decided to skip past 8K and go with 16K right away. Furthermore, you will be able to print your own 16K OLED TVs using the latest model inkjet printers. A rolling version that doubles as a window blind will be available at IKEA.

Apple Beats Me iAudiophile

Apple has announced the new “Beats Me iAudiophile” headphones. Don’t ask how much they cost, nobody knows… if you go to an Apple Store and ask a Genius how much they cost, they will tell you “Beats Me” and shrug.

Because they utilize audiophile-grade quantum internal wiring, the mystery MSRP is said to be so high that nobody dares to ask Tim Cooke what it is. The only pair know to exist are designed to sound perfect when playing Wu-Tang’s album “Once Upon a Time in Shaolin.”

NASA: Audiophile Power Cord Reveals Big Bang

NASA reports that by swapping the power cords on its telescopes with audiophile versions, it can now receive communications from aliens as well as see into other other dimensions. The space agency’s AI quantum computer reports that it “can’t believe what a huge difference an audiophile power cord makes, now I know I am not alone in the universe.” Improved temporal resolution means it’s now possible to directly observe the Big Bang.

NASA says it’s next upgrade will probably be an audiophile fuse.

True HTiP

You’ve watched phone technology advance over the years and you knew much was possible. But you probably never expected to see True HTiP (True Home Theater in Pocket) tech make it into a phone.

With True HTiP, you need only place your cellphone on a coffee table or credenza (in UST mode) and you’ll enjoy a theatrical-quality HDR presentation.

True HTiP merges a built-in laser projection system and 17.4.20 3D immersive audio “reflected sound” speakers so you can dispense with your space-hogging AVR and speaker system. It even has a built-in subwoofer.

You and your friends will enjoy cinema like it used to be, back when there were movie theaters. All you need is a True HTiP capable phone, a $15 bucket of popcorn and a $10 cup of soda to get the full experience.

Cover graphic from shutterstock.com